From time to time over the last few years I have enrolled for sessions at the local gym.

However, I have lacked commitment and now I am considering engaging the services of a personal trainer.

But it is so damned expensive.

Now I have found a way round that - I just have to commit a crime and go to jail.

PRISONERS TO GET FREE PERSONAL TRAINERS

Along with the personal trainers, other therapies will include alternative holistic therapies instead of medication.

PHRASES THAT LIKE REALLY BUG US ALL, BASICALLLY
(From the Daily Telegraph)

Readers have responded in their thousands to The Daily Telegraph's call to select the worst phrases in the English language.

Since the invitation was issued in February, more than 3,000 readers have submitted personal inventories of the damned, containing the phrases, aphorisms and clichés that irritate the most.

High on the list of grievances was the increasing use of slang, poor grammar and the incorporation of Americanisms into everyday speech.

Many shared frustrations over the misuse of "forensic" and "literally", while management jargon such as "downsizing", "brainstorming" and "thinking outside the box" also received plenty of nominations.

The Daily Telegraph has responded with its own compilation of annoying phrases, and She Literally Exploded: The Daily Telegraph Infuriating Phrasebook is now available on Amazon.

Here is a selection of comments so far:

"It's not rocket science". Rocketry is engineering, not a science. - Tony

The phrase "up close and personal" was irritating to start with and has become hackneyed and meaningless e.g. I went on a river trip and was thrilled to get up close and personal with a crocodile - Margot Lang

I can't stand "to die for". Nothing's that good and even if it was, you'd be dead and wouldn't be able to enjoy whatever it was. - Vivsy

"Pushing the envelope" always conjures up for me some ridiculous scene in a mailing room or post office. - Nigel Brown

Why, when someone famous dies, do tributes always "pour" in? Also, when a plane crashes in the sea, the media is quick to remind us that the waters are always "shark-infested". - S.Winrad

Only £1,999.99. - P.H.Heilbron

"This door is alarmed". Is it really frightened? - Alan Lawrence

The infuriating rising inflections at the end of sentences that make everything sound like a question? - Steve Grant

I hate being addressed as "hallo there". My name is not "there". And why have all the cookery books and frying pans disappeared? What is a "cook" book and a "fry" pan? - Susan Byers

When the waitress plonks the plate in front of you and says, "there you go". Where do I go? Where's there? - Ken Clarke

"It will be in the last place you look". Well of course I'm not going to continue to look for it when I have found it. - Tom Batt

There you go!

. . . BECAUSE HE WON'T TREAT YOU.

"NHS DENTISTS TURN AWAY PATIENTS WITH BAD TEETH"

NHS dentists are refusing to treat patients with poor teeth because they do not get paid enough to carry out the work, it was claimed yesterday.

Surgeries say they are being forced to turn people away because they are not given extra money for those who require extensive treatment.

The Government accused dentists of putting profit "before patient care" and called for an investigation.

But dentists' leaders said a new contract meant practices were given the same fee for treating people who needed one filling as for people who needed 11. Under the system, dentists are paid for "units" of activity worth between £14 and £30 and are given a set target to reach.

Practitioners said yesterday that people who require lots of fillings and repeat visits took up extra time, but they did not bring in extra money because they counted for the same number of units as people with good teeth.

John Chope, a spokesman for the Dental Practitioners' Association and a dentist in Holdsworthy, north Devon, said: "We have been forced into an impossible position. If you spend a lot of time treating one patient who needs a lot of work, you are not treating the other patients who need maintenance work.

"If you don't treat the patients who need maintenance, you miss the Government target for the year and get fined. You could even be told that you have broken your contract and refused another."

Amolak Singh, a dentist in Bexleyheath, Kent, said he has been forced to refuse patients who needed extensive work on fillings and crowns because it would mean failing to meet his Government target.

"The system is encouraging dentists to turn away people who need too much work," he claimed. "I have asked for a larger budget so I can treat more patients, but the primary care trust has refused because it is in debt."

A BDA survey found last year that 97 per cent of members did not believe the contract was improving care.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said: "Dentists should not be putting profit before patient care. If dentists are discriminating against new patients on any basis, including their dental health, then they are in breach of their contract."

Why can't we revive our own British manufacturing base in the UK?

The Chinese have to show us how to do it.

They are resuming production of MG cars at the Longbridge plant and now they propose to resurrect the cotton industry in Lancashire.

As in many industrial towns in northern England, Wigan's textiles industry has long vanished, part of the inexorable long-term shift of large-scale manufacturing to lower-cost markets in eastern Europe and Asia.

Now, however, it's set to be revived as the result of an unprecedented investment by the Chinese government to establish Wigan as a manufacturing hub for the country's vast apparel and textiles trade.

Chinamex, a state-owned body which helps Chinese companies expand overseas, has agreed with a property developer and Wigan Borough Council to develop a brownfield site at Westwood Park on the fringes of the town.

Dubbed Textiles City by insiders, the project is understood to be viewed by Chinamex as an opportunity to create a manufacturing capability closer to Chinese companies' European customers.

As many as 1,000 companies belonging to China's main apparel and textiles industry body are understood to have expressed an interest in participating in the development, which would be expected to create hundreds of jobs.

According to people involved, Chinamex has agreed to take on up to 2m square feet, about half of which will be used for textiles and apparel manufacturing. The remaining space will be used for research and development and as a "showcase" to demonstrate China's manufacturing prowess to potential customers.

Yes, all very good - but why can't WE do it?

Are we making our prison cells too comfortable?

Perhaps they will soon be like this:

Some prisoners already want to go back as soon as they are released from jail.

I read this news story yesterday:

"A 74-year-old homeless man who wanted to return to jail robbed a building society because he said it was easier than filling out forms to get his pension.

On Friday he admitted robbery and was jailed for five years."

Emma Cornell

Australian Big Brother bosses have decided not to tell a contestant in the reality show about her father's death.

Emma Cornell, a 24-year-old personal trainer from Sydney, still does not know her father Raymond died of cancer in a hospice last Wednesday – and was buried on Monday.

A spokesman for the producers of the programme, which started a month ago, said: “We’re abiding by her family’s wishes in not informing her.”

Apparently the family "did not want to prejudice Emma's opportunity to be a big star by prematurely leaving the show"!

But the personal trainer’s boyfriend said that Emma would be shocked by her father’s death as although ill, he was not expected to die so soon.

A spokesman for the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement said: “To be without this information is a breach of trust. She should be told as soon as possible in a private and sensitive way, and be given choices how she deals with that information.”

What do you think?

Should she have been told about her father's death and be given the opportunity of attending his funeral?

P.S. In an open letter to the public on the Big Brother website, Emma’s brother, Matt, said that his father had “made us promise him that no-one would notify Emma of his death.”

More than three million households in Britain now have rubbish bins equipped with "waste stealth tax" technology, it was claimed last night.

A survey has revealed that 68 town halls have spent millions of pounds buying bins with microchips.

The figure is double previous estimates and will fuel fears that Labour has been moving secretly towards a European-style "bin tax".

The microchips, together with reading equipment which could be installed in refuse lorries, would allow councils to charge households for the amount of non-recyclable waste they produce, which currently has to be buried in landfill sites.

Britain is the only major European country not to have separate charges for refuse collection. But there are fears that any new system could cost an average of £20 a month for each home.

P.S. When the scheme is fully introduced there will be a surge in the sale of 'bin locks', which are used abroad - otherwise other people will be filling your bin with their rubbish.

You may have missed this earlier this week:

WHAT IS A WEBSITE?- ASKS JUDGE

Justice Openshaw

A judge in an "internet terrorism" trial admitted that he had no idea what a website was.

Mr Justice Openshaw told stunned prosecutors at Woolwich Crown Court in south London: "The trouble is I don't understand the language. I don't really understand what a website is."

He paid close attention as Prof Tony Sams, a computer expert, explained in detail how the internet works.

The defendants, Younis Tsouli, 23, Waseem Mughal, 24, and Tariq al-Daour, 21, allegedly helped distribute Islamic propaganda over the internet in support of al-Qa'eda.

Tsouli, who surfed the web using the name Irhabi007 - meaning Terrorist 007 - is said to have links with al-Qa'eda in Iraq.

It is also claimed that Tsouli and Mughal became involved in a murder plot by Muslim extremists. Anti-terrorist police were alerted when the two men were arrested in Bosnia with a video showing them preparing a suicide bomb vest.

Mughal, of Chatham, Kent, and Tsouli of Shepherd's Bush, west London, deny conspiracy to murder and three charges linked to inciting terrorism.

Al-Daour, of Paddington, west London, denies conspiracy to defraud and eight counts of inciting terrorism.

The trial continues.

Cyclists who fail to use lanes provided for them could face prosecution as a result of changes to the Highway Code.

Cycle routes should be used
'where they are provided'

The new code, which radically tilts the balance against cyclists, may come into force as early as next week unless MPs and peers manage to block it.

A number of politicians in both houses are ready to object after being lobbied by cycling groups.

The wording of the relevant passage has been the subject of intense debate over the past few months.

According to the present version of the Highway Code, cycle routes should be used "when practicable".

A revised version said they should be used "where they are provided".

Then, in a concession to cyclists, the latest version was changed to instruct them to use lanes "wherever possible".

Although the changes in wording appear very subtle, their legal impact could be considerable, according to CTC, formerly known as the Cyclists' Touring Club.

Even if cyclists are not pulled over and prosecuted, their legal position in the event of an accident has also been changed as a result of the new code.

A driver hitting a cyclist who ignored a cycle lane would be free to pursue a claim of contributory negligence.

CTC also fears that the revised wording will leave five million cyclists vulnerable to more aggression from motorists, who will argue that the existence of lanes means that the rest of the road is the province of those in cars.

But, as the following photos show, cycle lanes are often obstructed:

And what does the sign below mean?

NOTHING TO HIDE

(Click on image to enlarge)

Passengers heading to Amsterdam now have to reveal far more than a passport photo - Schiphol has become the first airport to install permanent scanners that can "see" through clothing.

The new machines, which are used to check for concealed explosives, weapons, money or drugs, are expected to help streamline security checks.

The face of the person is blurred, but not the chest or crotch, and in order to preserve a passenger's privacy the images are scrutinised by operatives in a separate room.

A spokeswoman for Schiphol denied the images were of pornographic quality. (Sorry - my typo for 'photographic').

"They're kind of futuristic," she said. "There's nothing sexy about it." The scanners work by using high-frequency radio waves to outline the contours of the body, enabling security personnel to see if travellers are attempting to smuggle illegal items on board aircraft.

Each scan takes about three seconds and allows passengers to bypass lengthy security queues for conventional security checks.

The spokeswoman said that the scan is quicker and more effective than standard body checks, but that passengers who prefer can opt for the conventional checks instead. (Like hands all over you!)

The new scanners have been tested at several airports, including Heathrow, but Schiphol is the first to introduce them on a permanent basis.

The two machines that have been installed will be followed by a further 15.

The UK's History of Advertising Trust, which holds the largest collection of its kind in the world, has launched a new website at www.hatads.org.uk.

Hovis has been around since the 1800s. This ad is from 1932.

And here is more nostalgia:

En-suite bathroom?

And what time would you like breakfast?

Prisoners will have a choice of ''smoking'' and ''no smoking'' cells when the ban on smoking in public places comes in on July 1.

Cells are exempted from the ban because they are classed as an inmate's home.

Prisoners also do not have the option of going outside for a quick smoke.

Governors will have to shuffle inmates around to ensure smokers and non-smokers are kept apart and ventilation will have to be installed in cells which do not have windows that open.

Officers will not be required to enter a cell if they have seen a prisoner is smoking, unless there is an emergency.

Martin Callanan, a Tory Euro-MP, said: "Why should the taxpayer pick up the cost of moving prisoners and the expense of extraction equipment. It's just ridiculous. Prisoners give up certain rights when they go to jail and smoking should be one of them."

Do you agree?

You will be pleased to hear that the Bible has been deemed suitable for reading by everyone.

In a recent ruling, Hong Kong's media regulator said it would not reclassify the Bible as an indecent publication following more than 2,000 complaints about its sexual and violent content, including rape and incest.

"The Bible is a religious text which is part of civilisation. It has been passed from generation to generation," the Television and Licensing Authority (TELA) said last night.

The Christian book was drawn into a row over indecent publications after a sex column in a student magazine was branded too disturbing for young eyes.

The article in "Student Press," published by students at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, asked readers whether they had fantasized about incest and bestiality. Last week the Obscene Articles Tribunal labelled it "indecent", meaning that the publication must carry a warning label and can only be sold to over-18s.

A website launched soon afterwards, truthbible.net, campaigned for the Bible to be similarly classified. Claiming to be published by an anonymous "Hong Kong student", it cited passages with sexual and violent content it claimed went beyond that of the sex column.

At the top, the site carried an English-language warning: "Legal Disclaimer Warning: This Web site contains Bible material which may offend and may not be distributed, circulated, sold, hired, given, lent, shown, played or projected to a person under the age of 18 years."

Visitors were encouraged to download forms to complain about the Bible to TELA.

The regulator received 2,041 such complaints in the last week, but said it would not submit the Bible to the tribunal for obscene classification.

The Bible "had not violated standards of morality, decency and propriety generally accepted by reasonable members of the community", TELA said in a statement.

A Hong Kong protestant pastor agreed. "If there is rape mentioned in the Bible, it doesn’t mean it encourages those activities," said Rev Wu Chi-wai.

P.S. You can go to truthbible.net but, apart from the warning at the top of the page, it is all in Chinese.

An abstract painting by Mark Rothko, the American artist who committed suicide in 1970, sold in New York on Wednesday for $72.84 million (£36.4m) a record auction price both for the artist and for any work of art made since the Second World War.

It is pictured above and is titled "White Center".

What do you think of it?

Almost seven foot tall, it was made in 1950 when Rothko first developed his trademark use of horizontal bands of colour.

After the 1930's, Rothko moved away from figurative painting to find another way of expression''.

By 1950 he was exploring what he described as "an unknown space,'' in which bands of colour replaced the human figure.

"I think of my pictures as dramas,'' he said. "The shapes in the pictures are the performers.''

As depression settled in, some of his paintings became very dark and brooding, but White Center is full of joy.

"Every great artist has one painting with which he is most closely associated, and for Rothko, this is the one,'' said Tobias Meyer of Sotheby's, who auctioned the painting on Wednesday.

Would you like to own it, or perhaps sell it and build a few hospitals.

Now, I must make a small confession: I have a Rothko, hanging at the top of my stairs. Here it is:

It is called "Untitled (Red) 1950".

Of course, it is not an original - but a print, bought for me as a bithday gift a few years ago.

And do you know something? I rather like it. It brightens up a dull corner!

Chatting on your mobile phone while standing on a bench outside a public toilet would give you a reputation in most parts of Britain.

But for the 200 people who live in East Prawle, it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Villagers can been seen queueing to use the seat outside the public conveniences on any day of the week.

The bizarre routine came about after a holidaymaker discovered it was the only place in the cliff-top village where you could pick up network coverage.

Now, when residents want to make a call, they head for the bench next to the public toilets – where, if they face in a westerly direction and their luck's in, they can just about pick up a signal.

However, now the villagers have a new problem to contend with – the bench has started to fall apart.

Community leaders in the south Devon village – which boasts two pubs, a shop and a village green – have come up with a solution – to build a £100 'phone throne'.

District councillor Julian Brazil explained: 'You don't get a mobile telephone signal in East Prawle and people don't want a phone mast.

'People have been complaining the bench is getting broken - so it has been decided to get a mounting block.'

The platform will only be of use to those on Orange, though – because other networks still do not work!

Villagers wait to use the ‘mobile phone hotspot’. The bench is the only place they pick up reception in the village.

Following my comments here yesterday, "Bill" has drawn my attention to "Botafumeiro", a swinging incense burner in the Santiago de Compostela Cathedral in Spain.

It is HUGE - weighing 80 kg and measuring 1.60 m in height.

It is normally on exhibition in the library of the cathedral, but during certain important religious occasions it is brought to the floor of the cathedral and attached to ropes hung from a pulley mechanism in the dome.

You can see it in action at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QFd_55El1I

I think the Health & Safety people would have something to say about it nowadays.

There have been a number of accidents, one of the most renowned taking place during a visit of Princess Catherine of Aragon.

She was on a journey to marry the heir to the English throne in 1499 and stopped by the cathedral in Santiago de Compostela. While it was being swung, the Botafumeiro flew out of the cathedral through the Platerias high window.

No one was reported to have been injured on this occasion.

You can read more about Botafumerio (which means "smoke belcher") at:

http://www.answers.com/botafumeiro

CHURCHES INCENSED BY 'STOP SMOKING' SIGNS

Senior clerics were fuming yesterday over Government regulations giving churches and cathedrals until July 1 to post "no smoking" signs at their entrances.

Bishops and cathedral deans warned that the "nanny state" rules were unnecessary and would deface their buildings when it was almost unheard of for someone to light up in the pews.

The Dean of Southwark, the Very Rev Colin Slee (above), who is the spokesman of the Association of English Cathedrals, was scathing.

"It is such nonsense," he said.

"One is bound to ask, when did you last hear of somebody smoking in church?"

He said the churches did have difficulties with "the modern custom of men wearing hats indoors, people wanting to bring their pets in or even wanting to eat their ice cream cones" but added that stewards were well trained to handle them.

The Bishop of Fulham, the Rt Rev John Broadhurst, said: "This is another example of the aggressive nanny state. The whole thing is stark staring mad."

But how about smoke from the swinging of incense burners?

Is that dangerous to health?

I suppose it would be if they let go!

Motorists could be banned from smoking at the wheel under proposals to be submitted to the Government.

India already has such a ban and it has been suggested in Germany, Australia and America.

Health and safety campaigners here have welcomed the idea saying, "Smoking does not just mean taking your hands off the wheel to smoke, it means finding the cigarette, lighting it and getting rid of it afterwards. It is playing with fire."

But critics have called it "absurd" and say it would be an affront to personal choice.

What do you think?

"GIVE UP THE GOAT"

Have you ever used that expression to mean 'stop working' ?

These people have:

"My old 14" monitor went completely wrong and after a few years trusty service it finally gave up the goat, hence my need to find a new monitor for my little machine."

"My Canon MP760 gave up the goat."

"Luckily our old Toyota just got us through and then gave up the goat."

"Stay calm, collected, and don’t give up the goat."

Of course what they all meant to write was "give up the ghost" when, which originayes from the time of death, when at death, the spirit (ghost)leaves the body.

Acts 12:23 "And immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost."

I like this story by Jeanette Winterton, published in "The Times" in 2006:

The other day my elderly country neighbour asked for a bit of help to get his new washing machine into the kitchen.

“in the old days, when folks didn’t have much, and mainly worked the land, a man would set store by his animals, especially his goat, and when he come to die, he would bequeath that goat to his heirs, and that is why we say, ‘he’s given up the goat’.”

School exam papers are being tagged by exam board Edexcel to beat cheats.

Last year they investigated 70 suspected security breaches.

Now exam papers are being elecronically tagged and other new technology used for the first time to try to combat cheating.

Edexcel is trying new ways to tighten security to deter cheats and detect fraudulent activity in its GCSE and A-level papers.

A joint exams body already polices the system, with schools following strict procedures to maintain security.

But papers do go missing. Some are stolen and sold. Others have been distributed on the internet.

Teacher Farzana Akbar was given a three-month sentence and was banned from teaching for three months after admitting taking five GCSE maths papers from the Archbishop Lanfranc School in south London in 2002.

And in 2004, police were called in to investigate the theft of maths and chemistry A-level papers, after questions were posted on a website ahead of the exam.

The exam boards work together against cheats through the Joint Council for Qualifications, which sends out compliance officers to check on each school and college.

There are strict guidelines governing how papers are stored in colleges or schools (in locked cupboards in a room locked by examinations officers) and how soon before an exam the packages can be undone.

Edexcel is trying out extra security methods at an unknown number of exam centres.

Radio frequency tags such as those used on clothes and CDs in shops are being put on each bundle of exam papers. The tags will store data such as how many papers are in the bundle, where they came from and where they are going.

They will not be tracked remotely, but instead will speed up checks carried out by compliance officers. Edexcel says it will be easier to spot if a package has been tampered with.

The second use of new technology involves what is called micro-texting.

A distinctive printing technique is used so that a paper which was photocopied could be easily identified.

Certain tiny marks would not be seen on a photocopy and would only be visible under a magnifying glass on a genuine paper.

The other side of the anti-cheating drive relates to the detection of students who might have cheated.

Edexcel says it is using technology which will spot students who get unexpectedly high results if they have already taken modules for the same exam.

This would prompt further investigation, it says.

So, any school pupils reading this, take care. Do not cheat, as you will be caught!

TWO ENTRANTS FOR THE 2007 TURNER PRIZE

Camouflaged Church

No Miracles

What do you think of them?

Are they inspired, or rubbish?

Following my comment here yesterday, there is now a report of militant action to stop the development of a wind farm in Norfolk and 'rural terrorists' have been blamed for the destruction of equipment worth more than £100,000.

Unknown saboteurs felled a 280ft high tower, used to measure wind strength, by cutting a steel supporting rope.

The incident has raised fears that opponents of wind farms could carry out copycat attacks elsewhere in the country.

"This is rural terrorism - there is no question about it," said a spokesman for the Marshland St James wind farm consortium in Norfolk.

"It's criminal damage. This structure could have killed someone when it fell. The steel supporting rope could have taken someone's head off when it whiplashed. It's horrifying."

Farmers behind the plans, who hope to start development of the site in two or three years' time, are said to have received threatening letters and abuse in recent weeks from local people opposed to the development of the wind farm and a number had pulled out of the consortium as a result.

The sabotage comes amid growing concern about the development of wind farms in Britain. A recent survey of people who live near wind farms found that three quarters felt that the noise had damaged their quality of life and four out of five said it has affected their health.

Those who said they were made ill by the sound of the wind farms described conditions ranging from migraines and palpitations to depression.

Many said their sleep was disturbed by the noise and some claimed they had been forced to sell their homes at reduced prices to get away from the area.

Would you object to a wind farm near you?

"NOT ON OUR LAND - NOT EVEN FOR £6M"

A couple who turned down the chance to make up to £6 million by having a wind farm on their land could soon be surrounded by turbines after neighbours agreed to the idea.

Frank and Clare Dakin rejected approaches from energy firms in favour of protecting the landscape and historic sites on their property.

They believed they would be "selling their soul" by allowing the intrusion on their farm, which includes ancient monuments at Duddo, near Berwick, Northumberland.

But the couple are facing the prospect of up to 26 turbines being erected within a few miles of them after other landowners decided to cash in.

Mr Dakin, 46, said: "We don't blame those people who have gone for the wind farms - we were sorely tempted ourselves - but this is an issue of how they will affect the wider community and the whole landscape. It is the effect that the turbines would have on people living here that concerns us. The visual effect would be to spoil what is a very special and splendid piece of land."

What would you have done?

PARKING WARDENS TOLD TO BOOK 100 CARS AN HOUR

A council has recommended that its parking attendants hand out at least 840 tickets and 36 clampings a day.

The Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea in London said the private firm that runs its parking enforcement, National Car Parks (NCP), should issue at least 306,000 tickets and clamp 15,000 vehicles a year.

To beat their targets attendants will need to slap tickets on about 100 cars for every hour that the restrictions are in force - more than one ticket every minute.

The RAC has commented:

"When parking enforcement was controlled by the police, if they saw someone parking illegally outside a newsagent they would tell them to move on. Nowadays an attendant is more likely to hide until they see them go into the shop, then hand them a ticket. There is no doubt at all that parking enforcement now is a multi-million-pound business and for some of the larger authorities, like Kensington and Chelsea, it brings in more revenue than probably anything else."