BACK TO THINGS THAT NIGGLE ME.

Why do people say "Outside of", when simply "outside" is sufficient?

"The road is blocked outside of the Royal Albert Hall following a traffic accident." (Radio report)

While I have my GOM hat on, why - "He was a friend of Bill's".

Bill's what? Bill's dog, Bill's pussy?

Why not "He was a friend of Bill" or "He was one of Bill's friends".

Yes, I AM pedantic - and I know I can't stop the rot.

Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

(Sauce unknown)

I thought I had referred to this before, but I can't now find any reference in my blogs.

Why do estate agents use "comprising of" in their advertisements?

Here is a prime example:

Beechcroft Avenue, North Harrow, Middlesex
A ground floor maisonette comprising of lounge, fitted kitchen, one double bedroom with fitted wardrobes, bathroom with shower and separate w/c, gas central heating, double glazing and garden to rear. The property is offered unfurnished and 1st January Ref: FAP/92

St Kildas Road, Harrow, Middlesex
A first floor flat comprising of lounge, fitted kitchen, one double bedroom, bathroom with combined w/c. The property is offered furnished and available 27th November Ref: FAP/31

St Kildas Road, Pinner, Middlesex
A newly refurbished ground floor flat comprising of lounge, modern fitted kitchen & utility room, two double bedrooms, new bathroom with separate w/c, gas central heating, double glazing and laminate flooring throughout. The property is offered furnished or unfurnished and available now

Canterbury Road, North Harrow, Middlesex
A first floor flat comprising of lounge, fitted kitchen, two bedrooms, modern bathroom with power shower and combined w/c, gas central heating, double glazing, garden to rear and off street parking to front. The property is offered furnished or unfurnished and available now Ref: FAP/191

There were more than 20 such descriptions on their web-site.

I think they are getting confused with "consisting of".

"Comprising" stands alone and is never followed by "of".

Or am I wrong?

Here are a couple of extracts from a Manchester University article:

"Despite its size The University of Manchester is divided into only four faculties, each sub-divided into schools:

I shall soon be starting a new blog.

Go to: www.poemsandprose.blog.co.uk

Colin

Here are some (of the many) grammatical mistakes in signs (mostly restaurants) that I noticed on my recent visit to The Isle of Wight.

Click on any one to enlarge.

How many can you identify?

( 1 error )

( 2 errors ? )

( 4 errors )

( 7 errors )

( 1 error )

( 2 errors )

You may find more!

Heard outside Waitrose (elegant young lady talking on mobile phone):
"You ain't got no ringtone nor nuffink ?"

Seen on a visit to Southend-On-Sea today:

Perhaps it was intentional to attract attention?

Despite previous comments made by the Prince of Wales about the decline in the proper use of the English language, I'm forced to report a howler he made in a speech on Sunday. At the unveiling of the Battle of Britain monument on the Victoria Embankment, Charles announced: "It gives my wife and I the greatest possible pride."

Clearly, what Charles meant to say was: "It gives my wife and me."

"It's bad grammar, a schoolboy error and one that any good script doctor should have noticed," says my pedantic mole.

Language boffins at Oxford University Press confirm the gaffe. "This is a very common mistake," says the English language expert Angus Stevenson.

"The technical term for this error is hyper-correction. People tend to commit it when they try to sound posh, which is ironic in the case of Prince Charles, who's heir to the throne."

(From a recent "Daily Telegraph" article)

At the weekend, I was on the South Coast and, on entering the small town of Emsworth, I noticed a Total filling-station that was displaying the price of unleaded petrol at 102.9 pence per litre.

On leaving the town, about a mile further on, another Total filling-station was selling the same fuel at 92.9 pence per litre!

You don't have to ask which one had the queues.

There are difficulties when the price of a litre goes over 99.9 pence.

Today's Daily Telegraph reports: "Thousands of petrol pumps will need to be changed if, as feared, prices reach £1 a litre. More than two thirds of Britain's pumps are unable to show a petrol price above 99.99p per litre."

However, there are ways round it and, when we last had high fuel prices, a petrol station in the Scottish Highlands displayed this notice:

"IMPORTANT"

The pumps at this station
are set to compute the
total cash sale at half the
advertised price.

Customers must pay
DOUBLE
the Cash Amount
shown on the pumps.

What about the receipt for expenses though? I suppose they give two.

P.S. My local Sainsbury's was today selling unleaded petrol at 91.9 pence per litre. So I filled up!

Pupils are being allowed to swear at one Northamptonshire secondary school - as long as they limit their use of bad language to five times a lesson.

A tally of how many times the f-word is used will be kept on the board.

Parents of children at the Weavers School in Wellingborough were told of the new policy in a letter, according to a report in the Daily Mail.

The policy, which comes into effect when term starts next week, has been condemned by parents' groups and MPs.

"In these sorts of situations teachers should be setting clear principles of 'do and don't'," said Nick Seaton, chairman of the Campaign for Real Education.

But headmaster Alan Large said he had received no complaints about the policy.

"The reality is that the f-word is part of these young adults' everyday language," he told the Daily Mail.

Assistant headmaster Richard White said the policy was aimed at two classes of 15 and 16-year-olds that were particularly unruly.

"Within each lesson the teacher will initially tolerate (although not condone) the use of the f-word (or derivatives) five times and these will be tallied on the board so all students can see the running score," he wrote in the letter.

"Over this number the class will be spoken to by the teacher at the end of the lesson."

The school, which has 1,130 pupils, also plans to send "praise postcards" to the parents of children who do not swear in class.

The following two questions appeared in the recent "Leisure and Tourism" GCSE examination paper"

(1) Other than Indian food, name one other type of food often provided by take-away restaurants. (One mark out of a possible 91)

(2) Describe what customers need to do to receive a delivery service from an India take-away restaurant. (Thee marks)

I am not surprised to read in another article that 55% of people living in Southern England think that lasagne is an English dish, rather than Italian.

Also, in a survey two out of five people did not know that the Cornish pasty came from the South-West, with one in 10 not realising it originated in Cornwall!

What do you think of this?

(clik to enlarge)

That works out at almost £100 per square foot.

(From an article in "The Surrey Herald" 24/08/05)

A friend of mine in the United States has a brother named Frank, who has put up the following roadside sign:

Dubya take note!

"OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN ONCE WE PRACTICE TO DECEIVE."

Is there anything wrong with that quotation?

I don't mean in the truth of it - but in the spelling.

Sir Walter Scott didn't write it like that, and the correct version is: "When once we PRACTISE to deceive".

In the United Kingdom, “practice” is the noun, “practise” the verb.

In America the spelling “practice” is commonly used for both, though the distinction is sometimes observed.

“Practise” as a noun is, however, always wrong in both places: a doctor always has a “practice,” never a “practise.”

By way of interest, Scott continued "But my - how we improve the score, as we practice more and more."

But, of course, "A liar should have a good memory."

That was written by Quintilian (AD 35-95), the Roman rhetorician, whose real name was Marcus Fabius Quintilianus.

The English must have been a little sensitive to the ending of his surname as, in translation, the last two letters were dropped!

Shakespeare though wrote "Coriolanus" - and nobody has suggested, to my knowledge, that it should be changed to "Coriolan".

Yes, the answer is (e).

Dictionary definition: " SIMONY - The deliberate intention and act of selling and/or buying spiritual goods or material things so connected with the spiritual that they cannot be separated from it. Simony is a violation of the virtue of religion, and a sacrilege, because it wrongfully puts a material price on spiritual things, which can be neither bought nor sold. The term is derived from the name Simon Magus who, in The Acts of the Apostles, tried to buy the power to confirm people in the Holy Spirit."

Lincoln Cathedral is being used as a movie location for the filming of "The Da Vinci Code", starring Tom Hanks and Sir Ian McKellen. It is doubling for Westminster Abbey, where the church's authorities refused permission to film.

A spokesman there said: "The Da Vinci Code is theologically unsound and we cannot commend or endorse the contentious and wayward religious and historic suggestions made in the book - nor its views of Christianity and the New Testament."

Back at Lincoln, the Dean, the Very Rev Alec Knight, described the book by Dan Brown, which has sold 18 million copies worldwide, as "a load of old tosh".

"However", he said, "A £100,000 donation from the film-makers and the chance to publicise the cathedral was too good to turn down."

This is where the charge of 'Simony" has arisen and he has been accused of prostituting the church.

What is "Simony"?

(a) A fragrant clmbing garden plant

(b) A painful arthritic condition of the knee

(c) A new car polish

(d) The nickname of Simon English (The new Presenter on BBC Radio 2)

(e) A sin

(Answer tomorrow)

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush officially responded to the latest round of London bombings, challenging terrorists to "do their worst."

Said Bush, in a televised statement from the Oval Office:

"The proud and resilient people of London can take anything the forces of evil and cowardice can throw at them.

They will never live in fear of you. Bring it on."

He WANTS us to be bombed!

Thanks Pal!

Have you ever referred to it as "St. John's Ambulance"?

I am sure I have.

By the way, if you live locally, do you know that the church at Oatlands is officially St. Mary Oatland and not "St. Mary's"?

The road sign has it right:

This is from that church's website:

Church: The Parish Church of St. Mary, Oatlands

Address: Oatlands Avenue, Weybridge, Surrey

Post Code: KT13 9TS

Vicar: The Revd. Malcolm Anker (day off Monday)

Assistant Curate: The Revd. Martin Fletcher (day off Monday)

I didn't know that vicars had days off. Somehow I thought they were always on call, like the ambulance service.

On the other hand, I suppose, like everyone else, they deserve a break.

But both the vicar and the curate on the same day?

No they don't!

How often have you seen statements such as these?

"For a Limited Period We pay your VAT on Bathrooms and Fittings

YES that's right save 17½% right now!"

"The prices shown on our website exclude VAT - because we are paying it for you!

So place your order NOW and don't miss out!"

"Vanguard Self Storage does not charge VAT - saving you an additional 17.5% on our already affordable prices."

What they really mean is that they have reduced their prices by an amount equivalent to the VAT. However, that reduced price usually still includes VAT.

Here is a statement fom a more honest retailer:

"Legally we must charge VAT, therefore we are offering an additional discount to cover the VAT element.

That is to say if our conservatory normally costs £4000.00 plus £700.00 vat, total £4700.00 we will give you a £700.00 discount.

Therefore you will pay £4000.00 and your invoice will read as follows £3404.26 plus vat £595.74 total £4000.00."

A variation is "No VAT" - but that may be true. Businesses with a turnover of less than £60,000 per annum do not have to charge VAT.

And, of course some items are "zero-rated" or exempt from VAT.

"TWO SUITS FOR £15"

I saw that notice in a shop in town this morning and I thought "That's cheap. I'll have two of those."

Then I realised it was a Dry Cleaning establishment!

I remember when suits WERE much less.

I bought my first one at "The Fifty Shilling Tailors" (later Burtons) for just that - fifty shillings (£2.50)

Everything was cheaper in those days and beer cost 1s6d (7.5p) a pint.

Those were the days!

But my salary, when I left school, was only £1 per week

One of my friends asked me yesterday - "Did you sleep in?"

I reprimanded him for his use of what I consider to be a "North Americanism" and I said - "Do you mean like 'in pyjamas' or 'in bed'?"

I suggested that "sleep on" might be more logical, but he rejoindered "As 'on a mattress'?"

No, the expression I always use is "I overslept" - but I suppose that invites the question "Over what?"

Here is the definition from The Compact Oxford English Dictionary:

OVERSLEEP:

• verb (past and past part. overslept) sleep longer or later than one has intended.

However, I may be wrong. (No, I am not always right!)

I found this in another English dictionary

SLEEP IN:

'Sleep at one's place of employment, as in "They have a butler and maid who both sleep in." [First half of 1800s]'

'Sleep late, either accidentally or deliberately. For example, "I slept in and missed my usual train", or "On weekends we like to sleep in." [Late 1800s]'

There we go!

Now, what does THAT really mean?

It DOES annoy me - People who sprinkle their conversation with "You know what I mean?" (or its variants such as "D'you know what I mean? ")

Two of the chief offenders are the comedians Mike Tyson and Frank Bruno, but I don't mind them, because they are real characters.

Quotes:

MT (on his future prospects)- "I might just fade into bolivian, you know what I mean? I ain't got nuttin' to do or nowhere to go."

FB (about his appearance in pantomime) - "It’s good fun - you know what I mean?"

Much of the blame must go to the lyric writers of popular songs in the late 1990s.

Here are some examples:

And the radio played like a carnival tune
As we lay in our bed in the other room
When we gave it away for the sake of a dream
In a penny arcade, if you know what I mean
If you know what I mean, baby
(Neil Diamond )

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)

All my people right here, right now
D'you know what I mean? (yeah, yeah)
(Oasis)

You know what I mean
You know what I mean
You know what I mean
You know what I mean
(Goo Goo Dolls)

Her and Bobby were steppin out
Her and Bobby didn't know I found out
Do you know what I mean?

Do you know, know what I mean?
So I asked her if she still cared
She didn't hear me, she just stared

Do you know what I mean?
Lawd, Do you know what I mean?
(Lee Michaels)

Interesting footnote:

The Morse code in the background of the Oasis song is: "B* All", "Pork Pies" and "Strawberry Fields Forever." (Or so I am told.)

It amazes me that so many people think that "discrete" means the same as "discreet".

Or perhaps they consider it to be a more sophisticated and educated way of saying the same thing.

How wrong they are!

"Discreet" means "prudent, circumspect", often in a sense of keeping something secret, private, confidential or quiet.

e.g. "I shall be very discreet about anything you tell me."

However, "discrete" means "separate, not connected".

e.g.“He arranged the guest list into two discrete groups: meat-eaters and vegetarians.”

Here is a sentence using both words correctly:

"She was very discreet when she put the noisy marbles into discrete jars."

To repeat:

"Discreet" is an adjective that means "prudent, circumspect, or modest": “Her discreet handling of the touchy situation put him at ease.”

"Discrete" is an adjective that means separate or individually distinct: “Each company in the conglomerate operates as a discrete entity.”

So - You won't get it wrong in future, will you?

Grammatical mistakes, I mean.

Like the one in the title above.

"Lots" is plural, so it should read "There ARE lots of them around".

Go to the back of the class, if you didn't notice the error.

Repeat 100 times - "I must not disagree".

Wow! I have just read this in an article about grammar:

"Regarding grammar - I think there's two different types of grammar being talked about here..."

Talk about the blind leading the blind!

And here are some more examples:

"There's Boy Scouts everywhere!" (There ARE)

"I am going. There's no ifs or buts about it." (There ARE)

"Where there's smoke there's bonfires". (There ARE)

"There needs to be clear lines of communication." (There NEED)

And to conclude, something from the President Of The United States:

"If there's any environmental regulations that's preventing California from having a 100% max at their plants ... then we need to relax those regulations."

A double whammy here: (1) "there's" instead of "there are" and (2) "that's" instead of "that are"

(Great St. John's Wort)

I was chatting to my good friend Mr. Wort yesterday.

He gets quite upset when people pronounce his surname to rhyme with "wart" and he insists that it should be as in "pert".

I asked him WHY this was so and he replied: "It just IS"!

He told me that all words beginning with w-o-r-t are similarly pronounced and he gave these examples:

worth
worthy
Worthington
St. John's Wort

I went on to give him the following list, which is longer than his:

sport

report

retort

desport

import

export

escort

effort

cohort

short

snort

exhort

We don't say "Pert comes from Pertugal" or talk about "The Pert of Southampton", do we?

I then turned to my English Dictionary and found this:

" 'wort' is correctly pronounced to rhyme with word (not ward or wart). ‘Wort’ forms part of the name of many medicinal herbs, such as lungwort, woundwort, soapwort etc."

So he is right! Or is he?

It depends on which country you live in.

The American Heritage Dictionary gives the pronunciation to rhyme with 'hurt' - but allows the alternative 'fort' as being equally correct.

But does it really matter?

Apparently it does - as one of Mr. Wort's relatives became so tired of people pronouncing her name "incorrectly" that she changed it by Deed Poll to "Wert".

Which allows me to finish nicely by quoting from a poem by Shelley:

TO A SKYLARK

Hail to thee, blithe Spirit!
Bird thou never wert

I was thinking the other day of the meaning of the word "stuff".

When I was young (many years ago) it mostly meant " a material, textile or cloth - usually woollen."

Nowadays though, it is used to describe almost anything - in a vague, imprecise sort of way.

It has become just a "filler" word.

Here are two examples from the conversation of modern teenagers:

A: Watcha been up to?
B: Eh? ... You mean what stuff?
A: Yeah. Do anything cool?
B: Did some stuff.
A: Buy anything?
B: Nah... just some stuff.

Sharon (whispers): OMG! There's stuff on my computer
Marlene (whispers): What stuff?
Sharon (whispers): It's STUFF ... On my computer
Marlene (whispers): What stuff like?
Sharon (whispers): In my FAVORITES...there's STUFF!
Marlene (whispers): Whose stuff?
Sharon (whispers) : It's not MY stuff... it's like not good stuff, neither.
Marlene: Wow! Let me like see.

Which brings me to the use of the word "like".

To me it means "similar" or "as", but It is now another "filler" word:

1. She like slapped me.
2. I bought like a wallet.
3. It's like huge.
4. I like must have been outside.
5. It's like around the corner.

It adds nothing and becomes a habit, like "basically" - another of my pet hates. Leave it out.

Those are extreme examples, but I am afraid that is the way our English language is going!

Before I close - a quotation I have just remembered from Shakespeare's "The Tempest":

"We are such STUFF as dreams are made of

And our little life is rounded with a sleep."

(But he used "stuff" with the old meaning of "material")

I am always being reminded that the purpose of language is communication and we should not be bound by strict rules.

So, to finish, here is an amusing little anecdote:

A pedantic teacher of the old school was informing his pupils that two negatives should never be used together - as they always make an affirmative.

He went on to say, " However, you can't put two affirmatives together to make a negative."

At which the whole class shouted: "Yeah, right!"

This is a trollop:

And here are two scallops:

mmmmm ... Delicious!

Tell me something though...

Why do so many people nowadays pronounce "scallop" as "scollop" (to rhyme with "trollop") ?

It is not an alternative pronounciation - although many years ago there WAS an alternative SPELLING - "scollop".

However, my dictionary says that spelling is now "Archaic" - so why can we not all pronounce "scallop" as it spelt today - to rhyme with "gallop"?

I visited London yesterday and saw the following notice on the counter of an open-air cafe:

"IN ORDER TO MAXIMISE YOUR EXPERIENCE WE DO NOT ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS"

It took me some time to realise that what they really meant was:

"To avoid inconveniencing you with delays at the pay-point, we only accept CASH"

And, of course, they don't have to pay the credit card commission!